Dear people who make resolutions:
We know you are busy flooding local gyms, the produce section in the grocery store and are also not having a drop of alcohol – you’re a real downer.
Since we’re not lame, like you, we bring you the 8THIRTYFOUR Anti-Resolutions.
Schedule Multiple Happy Hours
Instead of Dry January, we’re resoluting Happy Hour (we capitalized this for a reason) 4 times a week. In fact, right now we’re pouring ourselves a giant margarita out of our pitcher of margaritas we keep in the fridge for all occasions. Mmm…delicious and refreshing. Never mind, it’s 9:00 a.m. in the morning.
Our weekly happy hours will also be accompanied by a charcuterie board – so if cutting back on cheese is on your resolution list (why the hell would it be), ours is the opposite. We’re eating all of it – brie, goat, manchego, cheddar, the stuff that smells like your gym socks – everything.
Eat All the Food
Oh, you plan to eat grass and a dry chicken breast 6 times a week which you’ll meal prep on Sundays? Isn’t that adorable. We plan to try that new Mexican place down the street and then the Mediterranean one downtown. Maybe we’ll couple it with our extensive happy hours, but probably not.
We’re also going to dedicate the weekends to carbs – they so often get a bad rap.
Increase Starbucks Runs
Caffeine is our friend and you’ll have to pry it out of our cold, dead hands before we give it up. Why the hell would you make a resolution to give up coffee? We have so few joys in life, don’t take our reason for getting up in the morning.
We’ll continue to spend $5.95 a day on our iced shaken espressos with oat milk (and an extra shot), thank you very much.
Make Sleep a Priority
Did you make a resolution to get up super early in the morning to write your thoughts in your journal and get your day organized? Good on you. We plan to roll out of bed approximately 3 minutes before our first Zoom call, with just enough time to grab coffee and maybe brush our teeth.
It’s just so important to be well-rested for your day.
So, as you can see we’ve prioritized drinking, eating, and caffeine intake all while prioritizing sleep.
We really think 2023 is our year. So many goals, so little time.