Online snooping: We’re exceptionally good at it

Delaney Mackenzie typing on a phone.

Internet stalking is kind of our jam. Our team is, like, super good at it. Don’t worry, we use our powers for good, not evil. 

By the way, this blog is satire, like our previous Quarantine Diaries content. 

Recently, we were informed one of our employees has embarked on a new romantic venture with another individual. Oddly enough, they were hesitant to share this news with our team. We are an incredibly supportive group, so we were a bit taken aback by their reluctance.

Once we found out the joyous news, it was off to the races…or the web browser.

To conduct a thorough character investigation, we recommend the following steps.

SOCIAL MEDIA

Ok, so going through a person’s social media seems obvious, right? Well, put your detective cap on and have a little fun. You can discover their hobbies, friends, and even past relationships. Oh, you have some people in common? Let the investigation begin.

GOOGLE IMAGES

Once you find someone on social (easy, right?), it’s time to Google Image search them ASAP. Where are their most embarrassing photos? Do those images link to an old Myspace? What about an old interview or high school newspaper? This is where some of the best internet gold comes from. Search them in Google Images, sit back, and love the results. 

Note: Please don’t do this to us. You won’t find anything. We promise. Totally.

Brianna Zimmer, posing for soccer photos in high school.

 

Erica Statly on rollerblades in a park.Chelsea Yeoman, posing in the sunlight.Rowan Leo with red hair, giving the camera look.

VENMO

Always, always, always check Venmo. This is where you find people’s true colors and see what they spend their money on. Can’t find it? Start digging. Your coworker and their beloved have probably already venmoed each other anyway, so your job is half done. 

We have actually done this in the office a few times. By “this,” we mean stalking a friend’s significant other’s Venmo. It’s not creepy. It took a turn when we printed out the significant other’s Venmo profile picture and put it around the office, bathroom stalls included. Psycho or power move? Who’s to say?

MARKETING AUTOMATION

Do you have their email? You can use marketing automation to keep an eye on them. Add them to your platform and send them a smart email. Then, every time they visit your site, you’ll be able to see what they’re looking at (like a certain someone’s team profile).

Anyway, if you feel like this blog is about you, please click here and fill out this form. We won’t use it to follow your every move. We promise.

(Our fingers were crossed🤞.)

 

There’s more to the snooping, but we can’t give away all of our secrets. Let’s just say we are capable of finding anyone, and we mean anyone. You can reach out and buy us a drink in exchange for more secrets. Alcohol is our love language.

Also, hey, Ryan. We heard you like to read our blog. We know where you live.

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